måndag 18 juni 2012

i'm a weak person. sometimes.

at the edge of totally breakage.
Went, for the third time since I came here, to the Social Security Office in order to get my card that enables me to work and earn money.
So I got a number in the reception and sat down waiting.
I had F9 in my hand, F7 was on the screen.
Doesn't seems that bad.

The people working at this office is the slowest people I've ever seen and after an hour, still nothing had happend on the screen.
And so it was the two other times as well.
Started to get very frustrated since I've left work again trying to apply for this.
Stressed out, I talked with the guy in the reception as I did both times before as well.
He made a call and then it was F8.

Is it supposed that we should nag in order to get the whole system forward?
I felt how my voice shaked when all I wanted was to sound angry.
Which I of course was. 
But unfortunately I have the bad trait to alwas start crying when things make me upset.

Finally, after an extra 30 minutes it was my turn.
Last time I was there I ended up crying, but this time I hoped things would come my way.
I had actually taken my time to check everything up.
Everything should be OK.

Of course it wasn't (and they can only figure this out after 20 minutes. Which means that you think everything is fine until it's not) and I started to cry like a baby.
The lady behind the window didn't really know what to do.
And I couldn't stop.
This was enough for me.
I tried to yell at her while crying that I've been waiting for 9 hours totally, that everything is supposed to be fine, that I have a work to do, and that I never will show up here again. This is their job and they'll have to fix it.

I guess I didn't look that angry as I was.
Just sitting their crying.

When I left, two and a half hour later I was totally exhausted.
I felt very sorry for myself and decided to go buy a smoothie.
I needed some new energy.
Yoghurt smoothie, nothing else.
So, when I finally found a yoghurt place I was in a little better mood.

Ofcourse they didn't served smoothies.
Only icecream.
And I started to cry again.
"what do they think? Should I drive and EAT at the same time?!?!?!"

What's wrong with me? :)
And the fact is, I still feel very sorry for myself, haha.

I wish I was better at axpressing the feelings I actually have.
It's always a failure when "figthing" with my sister or with L.
I always ends up crying and they just go out of the fight as winners.
At least that's how I see it.
silly me.

How do you do?

pics via Wisuella

2 kommentarer:

  1. Not weak - emotional and authentic. I hardly ever cry, I just get so very angry that I literally run out of words. And then I get even angrier because I can't express what I think, though it's all in my head. (But, in the end, that's the some kind of losing, too, as the other part simply thinks I've no more arguments or I'd accept their opinion. That's weak.)

    Cheer up, dear!

  2. naw. finis.
    sånt kan hända alla. o du är inte svag! verkligen inte.
    jag har inte svarat dig förresten. men snart så :).
    kram o lycka till nu, det kommer fixa sig, o ta hand om dig//jennifer